yeah, that's about it.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Fun photo meme
Here's how it works:
1. Go to www.photobucket.com (don't sign in)
2. Type in your answer to the question in the "search" box
3. Use only the first page
4. Click on THE PICTURE you like best
5. Copy the html and paste for the answer
1. What is your first name?
2. What's your favorite thing to do?
3. What is your relationship status?
4. What's your favorite color?
5. Who is your favorite celebrity?
6. What band are you listening to right now?
7. What's your favorite movie?
8. What is your favorite beverage?
9. What is your dream vacation?
10. What is your favorite dessert?
11. What do you want to do when you grow up?
12. What do you love most in life?
13. One word to describe yourself?
1. Go to www.photobucket.com (don't sign in)
2. Type in your answer to the question in the "search" box
3. Use only the first page
4. Click on THE PICTURE you like best
5. Copy the html and paste for the answer
1. What is your first name?
2. What's your favorite thing to do?
3. What is your relationship status?
4. What's your favorite color?
5. Who is your favorite celebrity?
6. What band are you listening to right now?
7. What's your favorite movie?
8. What is your favorite beverage?
9. What is your dream vacation?
10. What is your favorite dessert?
11. What do you want to do when you grow up?
12. What do you love most in life?
13. One word to describe yourself?
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
And the sun will set for you...
No work today, because of the snow. So i slept all day instead. Seriously, all day.
I'm gonna be out of meds again soon, and I'm really afraid of what will happen then.
I'm gonna be out of meds again soon, and I'm really afraid of what will happen then.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
No day but today
It's been a good but exhausting few days. I went to Scranton on Saturday to see Rent with Kristy, which was awesome. Then on Monday I spent the day with Julie who was visiting from Chicago. Seeing old friends is always a good time, and over the past few days I've been able to see 2 of my bestest.
However, I ate wayyy too much food, since hanging out with old friends of course involves going out to eat. I think I've gained like 10 pounds just since Saturday. This week I'm trying to implement my "healthy lifestyle" challenge. I'm trying not to worry so much about losing weight, but more about making healthier decisions and living a better life. I've been really good about exercising over the past week, which I plan to continue, but now I really need to start making better decisions about my diet.
So now I'm back at work, which I am still enjoying. And there's a freaking blizzard out right now, which made driving home today quite difficult. And poor Julie has been stuck at the Albany airport for hours due to never-ending delays. SPRINGGGG WHERE ARE YOU???
However, I ate wayyy too much food, since hanging out with old friends of course involves going out to eat. I think I've gained like 10 pounds just since Saturday. This week I'm trying to implement my "healthy lifestyle" challenge. I'm trying not to worry so much about losing weight, but more about making healthier decisions and living a better life. I've been really good about exercising over the past week, which I plan to continue, but now I really need to start making better decisions about my diet.
So now I'm back at work, which I am still enjoying. And there's a freaking blizzard out right now, which made driving home today quite difficult. And poor Julie has been stuck at the Albany airport for hours due to never-ending delays. SPRINGGGG WHERE ARE YOU???
Friday, February 22, 2008
Interesting (and somewhat painful) countdown
Ten Anonymous Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People:
1. I am so proud of you. You live life by your own terms, and don't care what anybody else thinks. Sometimes I wish I could be more like you. (Sometimes)
2. I only talk to you because I have to, not because I want to. The truth is you drive me crazy and I can't stand listening to your judgmental whining. I hate that I'm the only person you feel you can talk to, because I really don't like talking to you. I will always love you, I just don't like you very much.
3. I. am. so. disappointed. in. you. I believed everything you said, believed you were being genuine and true, and you just let me fall flat on my face...confused and hurt beyond words. And the saddest part is, I still miss you.
4. You are a liar. I am the only one who sees you for what you really are. You stole my life, through your manipulations and your lies. Well you can have it, it was never really that good to begin with. The life I have now is much better anyway. I pray that one day karma bites you in the ass.
5. You are the first person who ever truly loved me for me. I love you.
6. I am so grateful for your friendship. Even though hardly ever see each other anymore, and sometimes we go days (even weeks) without talking, I know that you are ALWAYS there for me if I need you. I hope you know that goes both ways.
7. I considered you my best friend. More than that, I considered you family. We were so close, we told each other everything, we were inseparable. What happened? Why did you wake up one day and decide you hated me? How could you treat me like that after everything we went through together?
8. You are my hero. I hope you don't feel that you failed me, because you never ever did. Any pain I feel now is of my own doing, not yours. I thank you for everything you have done for me, and for everything you continue to do. I love you so much.
9. I used to resent you, but now I know that all you ever did was love me. I hope I make you proud.
10. Ryan and I have been living together for over a year, and he's an atheist!
Nine Things About Yourself:
1. I am sensitive and emotional.
2. I want to make a difference in the world.
3. I believe in God but don't identify with a religion.
4. I would like to believe passionately in something, but I don't know what.
5. I would rather stay at home with my fiance and my kittens than go out to a bar or club.
6. I love with my whole heart.
7. I love animals and children, and often feel closer to them than humans/adults.
8. I love to read, write, and draw, but I wish I was more creative.
9. Music = life.
Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. honesty.
2. humor.
3. trust.
4. personality.
5. hugs.
6. initiative.
7. being there for me.
8. being passionate about something.
Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A lot:
1. my past.
2. my future.
3. love.
4. why?
5. "to do list" of life.
6. wow.
7. huh?
Six Things You Wish You Never Did:
1. let them treat me the way they did.
2. acted the way i did when they left me.
3. let things get so far out of hand before asking for help.
4. hurt people that I never intended to hurt.
5. spent so much money.
6. left on such bad terms with my last job.
Five Turn Offs:
1. too loud.
2. too forward.
3. being a "player."
4. no life plans or goals.
5. not respecting me.
Four Turn Ons:
1. respectful.
2. sexy eyes.
3. sexy smile.
4. can make me laugh.
Three Smiley's That Describe Your Life:
1. :)
2. :*
3. :/
Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. go to South Africa.
2. adopt a child.
One Confession:
1. I am so afraid I will never truly be happy.
1. I am so proud of you. You live life by your own terms, and don't care what anybody else thinks. Sometimes I wish I could be more like you. (Sometimes)
2. I only talk to you because I have to, not because I want to. The truth is you drive me crazy and I can't stand listening to your judgmental whining. I hate that I'm the only person you feel you can talk to, because I really don't like talking to you. I will always love you, I just don't like you very much.
3. I. am. so. disappointed. in. you. I believed everything you said, believed you were being genuine and true, and you just let me fall flat on my face...confused and hurt beyond words. And the saddest part is, I still miss you.
4. You are a liar. I am the only one who sees you for what you really are. You stole my life, through your manipulations and your lies. Well you can have it, it was never really that good to begin with. The life I have now is much better anyway. I pray that one day karma bites you in the ass.
5. You are the first person who ever truly loved me for me. I love you.
6. I am so grateful for your friendship. Even though hardly ever see each other anymore, and sometimes we go days (even weeks) without talking, I know that you are ALWAYS there for me if I need you. I hope you know that goes both ways.
7. I considered you my best friend. More than that, I considered you family. We were so close, we told each other everything, we were inseparable. What happened? Why did you wake up one day and decide you hated me? How could you treat me like that after everything we went through together?
8. You are my hero. I hope you don't feel that you failed me, because you never ever did. Any pain I feel now is of my own doing, not yours. I thank you for everything you have done for me, and for everything you continue to do. I love you so much.
9. I used to resent you, but now I know that all you ever did was love me. I hope I make you proud.
10. Ryan and I have been living together for over a year, and he's an atheist!
Nine Things About Yourself:
1. I am sensitive and emotional.
2. I want to make a difference in the world.
3. I believe in God but don't identify with a religion.
4. I would like to believe passionately in something, but I don't know what.
5. I would rather stay at home with my fiance and my kittens than go out to a bar or club.
6. I love with my whole heart.
7. I love animals and children, and often feel closer to them than humans/adults.
8. I love to read, write, and draw, but I wish I was more creative.
9. Music = life.
Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. honesty.
2. humor.
3. trust.
4. personality.
5. hugs.
6. initiative.
7. being there for me.
8. being passionate about something.
Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A lot:
1. my past.
2. my future.
3. love.
4. why?
5. "to do list" of life.
6. wow.
7. huh?
Six Things You Wish You Never Did:
1. let them treat me the way they did.
2. acted the way i did when they left me.
3. let things get so far out of hand before asking for help.
4. hurt people that I never intended to hurt.
5. spent so much money.
6. left on such bad terms with my last job.
Five Turn Offs:
1. too loud.
2. too forward.
3. being a "player."
4. no life plans or goals.
5. not respecting me.
Four Turn Ons:
1. respectful.
2. sexy eyes.
3. sexy smile.
4. can make me laugh.
Three Smiley's That Describe Your Life:
1. :)
2. :*
3. :/
Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:
1. go to South Africa.
2. adopt a child.
One Confession:
1. I am so afraid I will never truly be happy.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Watch out Mary Poppins
I love my job, even though it totally tires me out.
I watch 2 kids, Abdur-Rahim (4 years old) and Ibrahim (6 months old). Ibrahim (Ibbi) is such a cutie, and he adores me. Abdur-Rahim (I-Beam...yeah I'm not sure where that nickname came from), is kind of obnoxious as most 4 year old boys are, but he's pretty cool and I only have him 2 days a week cuz he's in pre-school.
Overall it's a pretty sweet job, even though I usually come home with all sorts of baby bodily fluids on me (spit-up, drool, occasionally urine...you get the idea).
As hard as it was for me to leave social work, I'm glad I have found a job that I enjoy and that still gives me fulfillment. And between my meds, my new job, and some other changes I'm making in my life, my mental health seems to be heading in the right direction.
Yay.
I watch 2 kids, Abdur-Rahim (4 years old) and Ibrahim (6 months old). Ibrahim (Ibbi) is such a cutie, and he adores me. Abdur-Rahim (I-Beam...yeah I'm not sure where that nickname came from), is kind of obnoxious as most 4 year old boys are, but he's pretty cool and I only have him 2 days a week cuz he's in pre-school.
Overall it's a pretty sweet job, even though I usually come home with all sorts of baby bodily fluids on me (spit-up, drool, occasionally urine...you get the idea).
As hard as it was for me to leave social work, I'm glad I have found a job that I enjoy and that still gives me fulfillment. And between my meds, my new job, and some other changes I'm making in my life, my mental health seems to be heading in the right direction.
Yay.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Ohhh my sleepy pills are kicking in
"You don't need drugs or alcohol to have a good time. All you need is to be a little bit crazy and to have lots of crazy friends."
Love those Saturday night game nights with my fellow Four Winds crazies <3
That said, I'm really looking forward to Julie coming next week so we can get super drunk =P
Aaaaand I'm going to Scranton next weekend to visit Kristy and see RENT!
Life is pretty good right now.
Love those Saturday night game nights with my fellow Four Winds crazies <3
That said, I'm really looking forward to Julie coming next week so we can get super drunk =P
Aaaaand I'm going to Scranton next weekend to visit Kristy and see RENT!
Life is pretty good right now.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Damn body image issues
In the past year I have gained about 30 pounds. According to the BMI, my current weight (124) is exactly smack-dab where it should be for my height. Admittedly, the weight I maintained all through high school and college (95) was far too low, however I don't think I'll be happy with my body until I can get back to double digits. What the hell is wrong with me?
In other news, I start my new job as a nanny tomorrow.
In other other news, happy birthday Lauren! <3
In other news, I start my new job as a nanny tomorrow.
In other other news, happy birthday Lauren! <3
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Bittersweet
So I got discharged from Four Winds today. After 2 months, I'm finally done with that place. Leaving today was kinda emotional, and I'm having some anxiety about going back into the "real world." But, I've learned so much, and I think I'm ready.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Awesome...
The doctor at my program finally took pity on me and gave me samples of Cymbalta and Seroquel, as it's becoming pretty obvious that Medicaid is not going to give me my regular meds any time soon. Since I've been back on meds, I am a completely different person. My mood is actually somewhat stable, and I'm feeling a gazillion times better. Yay for being chemically balanced.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
So true.
"When I'm away, all I want is to be at home.
When I'm at home, all I want is to be away.
The problem is, everywhere I go, I have to bring along me."
When I'm at home, all I want is to be away.
The problem is, everywhere I go, I have to bring along me."
Monday, February 4, 2008
If I Fell
If I fell...
would you catch me?
or would you just walk away
frustrated, exasperated
that i couldn't keep my balance
again,
always.
If I fell...
would I catch myself?
or would I just close my eyes
and wait for the impact.
Did I even really fall?
or did I just finally LET GO.
If I fell...
would anyone care?
or would they just watch
as this strange bird gave in to gravity.
They'd shake their heads and say,
regrettably,
that it was bound to happen.
That poor bird never did know how to use her wings.
would you catch me?
or would you just walk away
frustrated, exasperated
that i couldn't keep my balance
again,
always.
If I fell...
would I catch myself?
or would I just close my eyes
and wait for the impact.
Did I even really fall?
or did I just finally LET GO.
If I fell...
would anyone care?
or would they just watch
as this strange bird gave in to gravity.
They'd shake their heads and say,
regrettably,
that it was bound to happen.
That poor bird never did know how to use her wings.
Happiness is a warm gun.
I'm in a good mood today yay! Still no meds, but I'm dealing. The withdrawal symptoms are getting better at least.
I didn't make it to my psych program today which kinda sucks but I'm not laying around feeling guilty about it like I usually do. I've been spending a lot of time drawing and writing, and I actually designed the tattoos I want, so hopefully I'll be able to get them soon.
I've also been watching a lot of movies lately....
Across the Universe = amazing.
Atonement = amazing. (I didn't think there was any way it would be as good as the book but it was actually really really well done)
Today I'm hoping to watch either No Country for Old Men or I'm Not There (RIP Heath). And let's pray this good mood lasts, and that I get back on my meds sooooon!
Much love <3
I didn't make it to my psych program today which kinda sucks but I'm not laying around feeling guilty about it like I usually do. I've been spending a lot of time drawing and writing, and I actually designed the tattoos I want, so hopefully I'll be able to get them soon.
I've also been watching a lot of movies lately....
Across the Universe = amazing.
Atonement = amazing. (I didn't think there was any way it would be as good as the book but it was actually really really well done)
Today I'm hoping to watch either No Country for Old Men or I'm Not There (RIP Heath). And let's pray this good mood lasts, and that I get back on my meds sooooon!
Much love <3
Saturday, February 2, 2008
FRUSTRATION.
I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate everything.
I am AGITATED. I keep having random meltdowns where I cry and cry and cry for no reason until I can't breathe and end up puking. Ryan is trying to be supportive but I can tell he's getting frustrated with me. Today I broke down at CVS and he just walked away. I know he loves me, but I wouldn't know how to deal with me either.
GAHHHHHH MAKE THIS SHIT STOP!
I am AGITATED. I keep having random meltdowns where I cry and cry and cry for no reason until I can't breathe and end up puking. Ryan is trying to be supportive but I can tell he's getting frustrated with me. Today I broke down at CVS and he just walked away. I know he loves me, but I wouldn't know how to deal with me either.
GAHHHHHH MAKE THIS SHIT STOP!
Friday, February 1, 2008
Withdrawal sucks.
I've been dealing with a lot of shit lately. I've also been off my meds for a while because my medicaid worker SUCKS and won't give me a voucher for them. Unfortunately, I can't afford them otherwise, so I haven't taken my Zoloft or Klonopin in a couple weeks. Not only am I in horrible withdrawal, but I'm also super depressed and anxious.
I'm also still looking for a job, preferably as a part-time nanny. I didn't get the one job I wanted, but I just interviewed for another, so we'll see. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.
Thanks to those of you who have been so supportive and understanding lately. I love you all.
I'm also still looking for a job, preferably as a part-time nanny. I didn't get the one job I wanted, but I just interviewed for another, so we'll see. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.
Thanks to those of you who have been so supportive and understanding lately. I love you all.
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