Bittersweet

So I got discharged from Four Winds today. After 2 months, I'm finally done with that place. Leaving today was kinda emotional, and I'm having some anxiety about going back into the "real world." But, I've learned so much, and I think I'm ready.

Awesome...

The doctor at my program finally took pity on me and gave me samples of Cymbalta and Seroquel, as it's becoming pretty obvious that Medicaid is not going to give me my regular meds any time soon. Since I've been back on meds, I am a completely different person. My mood is actually somewhat stable, and I'm feeling a gazillion times better. Yay for being chemically balanced.

So true.

"When I'm away, all I want is to be at home.
When I'm at home, all I want is to be away.
The problem is, everywhere I go, I have to bring along me."

If I Fell

If I fell...
would you catch me?
or would you just walk away
frustrated, exasperated
that i couldn't keep my balance
again,
always.

If I fell...
would I catch myself?
or would I just close my eyes
and wait for the impact.
Did I even really fall?
or did I just finally LET GO.

If I fell...
would anyone care?
or would they just watch
as this strange bird gave in to gravity.
They'd shake their heads and say,
regrettably,
that it was bound to happen.

That poor bird never did know how to use her wings.

Happiness is a warm gun.

I'm in a good mood today yay! Still no meds, but I'm dealing. The withdrawal symptoms are getting better at least.

I didn't make it to my psych program today which kinda sucks but I'm not laying around feeling guilty about it like I usually do. I've been spending a lot of time drawing and writing, and I actually designed the tattoos I want, so hopefully I'll be able to get them soon.

I've also been watching a lot of movies lately....
Across the Universe = amazing.
Atonement = amazing. (I didn't think there was any way it would be as good as the book but it was actually really really well done)

Today I'm hoping to watch either No Country for Old Men or I'm Not There (RIP Heath). And let's pray this good mood lasts, and that I get back on my meds sooooon!

Much love <3

FRUSTRATION.

I hate my life, I hate myself, I hate everything.

I am AGITATED. I keep having random meltdowns where I cry and cry and cry for no reason until I can't breathe and end up puking. Ryan is trying to be supportive but I can tell he's getting frustrated with me. Today I broke down at CVS and he just walked away. I know he loves me, but I wouldn't know how to deal with me either.

GAHHHHHH MAKE THIS SHIT STOP!

Withdrawal sucks.

I've been dealing with a lot of shit lately. I've also been off my meds for a while because my medicaid worker SUCKS and won't give me a voucher for them. Unfortunately, I can't afford them otherwise, so I haven't taken my Zoloft or Klonopin in a couple weeks. Not only am I in horrible withdrawal, but I'm also super depressed and anxious.

I'm also still looking for a job, preferably as a part-time nanny. I didn't get the one job I wanted, but I just interviewed for another, so we'll see. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

Thanks to those of you who have been so supportive and understanding lately. I love you all.