Opening Day Take 2

THE YANKEEEEESSSSS WIIIIINNN!!!

Oh I'm a happy girl. I have missed baseball so much. Poor Ryan, who has to live with me as I watch baseball, has not missed it so much.

To you:

I was talking to a friend today who mentioned that she is graduating in May. I suddenly realized that you and her are the same year, which means that if all has gone as planned, you will be graduating as well. And then my heart sank, because I don't know if you will be staying here after you're done with school. It's so ridiculous, you aren't even part of my life anymore, and yet the thought of you not being in the same city as me makes my inexplicably sad.

I have spent the past year and half praying that I don't run into you, actively planning my schedule to avoid places you might be, involuntarily shaking whenever I see someone who looked like you. And yet, perhaps part of me was hoping to turn a corner and see your face. To have a split second connection with you again, before pretending not to see each other and going our separate ways.

Despite all the hurt, anger, tears, name-calling, and general unpleasantness, I am not ashamed to say that I miss you. Well to be exact, I miss the person you were when we met, not when we parted ways. And I wish you well.

The minnow and the trout

Help me out
Said the minnow to the trout
I was lost and found myself swimming in your mouth
Help me chief
I've got to plans for you and me
I swear upon this riverbed
I'll help you feel young again

Not your every day circumstance
Hummingbird taking coffee with the ants

Please, I know that we're different
But we were one cell in the sea in the beginning
And what we're made of was all the same once
We're not that different after all

- A Fine Frenzy

New and somewhat different

So I went a little darker than I normally do. This is more like my natural color and less red. But I think I like it. Maybe?














PS. I forgot to mention this earlier......YANKEES OPENING DAY TOMORROW!!!
PSS. As of today we have had Bella and Sera for exactly 6 months. God I love my babies. <3

Vanity, animals, and unfounded guilt

So I've actually been somewhat productive this weekend. I ran pretty much all the errands I needed to, plus I finally took care of the furry caterpillars above my eyes.

I also picked up some hair dye, so I'll probably take care of that tonight. Maybe I'll post some pics if I feel up to it.

On a completely unrelated note, I have been watching a lot of Animal Cops lately. Normally I avoid this show because it greatly upsets me, but for some reason over the past few weeks (perhaps boredom... or masochism?) I haven't been able to keep away. Now, as anyone who has spent any time with me knows, I love animals more than I like most people. I don't understand how anyone can harm and neglect such defenseless creatures. It's the same with children. Seeing poor innocent babies being abused is the main reason I left social work. Case in point: a one year old beaten so badly that he will most likely never be able to learn to walk or speak. A one year old.

People are sick.

But anyway, I've been watching Animal Cops and as a result I have gone to bed crying pretty much every night this week. A normal person would...oh i don't know...STOP WATCHING? Yet I feel like I have to watch out of respect to those poor animals, so for the ones who don't make it, their deaths aren't in vain and their lives are remembered. Why do I put this on myself? How is it my responsibility to care about every single animal and child in the world? But this is what I do, and this is why I end up in mental hospitals. Because I put everything on myself.

Oh well, I'm going to dye my hair.

Beware the scary marshmallow lady

So I got a new template, mainly cuz I'm bored and in need of some change in my life. And since I'm too lazy to make any "real" changes, I decided some new colors in my blog would suffice.

So speaking of changes that need to be made, I realized recently how much I have let myself go in the past few months. Now, admittedly, I have had a lot going on in those few months, what with being hospitalized, losing my job, spending 2 months at the crazy farm, being discharged from the crazy farm, getting a new job, getting engaged, etc, etc, etc. However, I like to think that living through all of the above mentioned "drama" has led me to a new, better place in my life. But that is certainly not what I see when I look in the mirror. I haven't dyed my hair in probably 6 months at least, resulting in a reddish brown mucky color with dark brown roots. Sexy. Also, I haven't plucked my eyebrows in several months either, so right now they are more or less taking over my entire face.

Then there's the fact (as I have whined about in the past) that I have gained about 30 pounds or so over the past year. And while people keep telling me that having a little meat on my bones is far better than the skeletal/anorexic look I rocked for most of my life, I still would feel more content with losing 15 or so of those 30 pounds I've packed on.

And finally, (as I have also whined about in past posts), between being in the hospital and being a nanny, all I ever wear anymore are hoodies and jeans. Everyday... hoodies... and jeans. And while I am a huuuge fan of the hoodie (I own approximately 90 bajillion of them), I'm really getting sick of looking like a hungover college student on her way to nap in the back of her psy101 lecture. Seriously. I want to wear skirts and strappy heels and tops that don't zip up (and that show off my ::cough cough:: best asset). I want to look cute dammit!

So, maybe this weekend I'll start working on putting myself back together. I'll pick up some Clairol #111 and stop by the nail place in the mall to get the brows waxed (I think they're beyond my powers of plucking at this point). And I guess while I'm at the mall I could check out the sales for any cute and cheap clothes/shoes. Yeah that sounds good.

Or, maybe I'll just sleep all weekend and continue down the path towards being a hairy hoodie-clad marshmallow with dark roots. We'll see.

Happy Friday.

Yo pendejo, chupa mi verga!

Word.


PS. Today I realized how different my life would be without craigslist. I found my job, my kittens, and my apartment there. If only I had found Ryan there it would be like my whole life. But still, it's kinda frightening how craigslist rules my entire world.


Yeah that's all.

My weekend as represented by kitty pictures

So as previously reported, we left on Friday to go to Geneseo for Easter, taking along our little kittens. And of course, I couldn't resist taking tons of pictures of my babies...and my puppy Lady and my mom's cat Rascal. Seriously, if this is how obsessive I am with documenting my animals, it will frightening when I have children of the human variety.

But anyway, the boys were soooo good in the car both ways to and from Geneseo. I was so proud of them for being such little troopers. We stopped at a rest stop on the way to let them stretch their legs (by running around inside the car) and to give them some food and water. They were so fascinated with looking out the windows at all the people and cars.













We made it to my parents' without any major mishaps, but then it was time to introduce them to Lady and Rascal. Let's just say it was not love at first sight. We ended up keeping them separate from Lady the whole weekend after she tried to "play" with them a little too roughly and Sera whapped her on the face which made her snap at him. Rascal was a little pussy (pun intended) and hid in the basement even though he is bigger than both of the babies put together. As the weekend went on, Rascal and the babies started to warm up to each other (although there was some hissing and growling involved). When we left on Monday, they had gotten to the point where they would all sit in the same room staring at one another and gradually moving closer together. If we had stayed another day or 2, I think all the boys would have been bestest friends.

Anyway, while we were there my mom made me clean out my old room, which resulted in Ryan and I torturing our babies by putting them in hats. Well, the hat I put on Sera was actually too big so it's more around his whole body, as you will see.















The boys also really loved cuddling on my parents' bed, at times with my mama :)












(those are my mom's legs Sera is sleeping on)

But alas, after a nice visit with the parents (and lots of good food), it was time to come home. Bella and Sera were super good on the way back to Albany as well, and again, we stopped at a rest stop to feed them and let them look around.












All in all, it was an enjoyable long weekend, but we were all very happy to come home.

Happy almost Easter.

Sooo tomorrow after work Ryan and I are heading to Geneseo to spend Easter with my parents. It's been like almost a year since I've been out there, so I'm looking forward to seeing my puppy and kitty, and I have missed my mom's cooking :)

And as an added adventure, we are taking our kitties with us. I must say I am really looking forward to spending 4 hours in the car with them (each way), and I'm sure they will be completely calm and well-behaved the whole time.....yeahhhh ok.....

Plus they have never met a dog before, so that should be fun as well. Hopefully all the 4-legged critters will get along and be friends. We shall see.

So I told Sera we were taking him on a trip tomorrow, and apparently he decided he wanted to travel in the duffel bag rather than his carrier...



Happy Easter! :)

Ramblings...

I wish I was more creative, because there is so much inside of me that needs to be expressed, but I am clueless as to how to let it go. I pretend to be a poet, an artist, a writer, but the truth is I'm a confused twenty-something of average intelligence and minimal talent who craves some sort of depth and purpose.

In other news, I am feverishly searching for a cute Easter dress, but so far I haven't found anything that meets my expectations. Ryan and I (and the kitties) are going to my parents' for Easter, and between being in the crazy farm and being a nanny, it has been super long since I've dressed up for anything. I WANT A CUTE DRESS! I'm planning to hit up a few more places this weekend, so hopefully I'll stumble across something fabulous (and relatively cheap).

Also, I just finished the Time Traveler's Wife, aka book #1 of the Kristy and Rachel Book Club (we're really going to have to come up with a better name). Let me preface my review by saying that I LOVE reading. It is and always has been my favorite pastime. Unfortunately, due to the recent worsening of my mental illness, my concentration level has been nearly non-existent, therefore making my beloved hobby rather difficult. It has been months since I was able to read a book from start to finish without giving up halfway through. I am happy to say that this book snapped me out of my reading rut. It is the first book in a long time that totally sucked me in. I couldn't put it down. It was sooooo good (and also incredibly sad). I highly recommend it to anyone looking for a good read. And now I am in search of book #2 of the KRBC (seriously, name?) If anyone has suggestions, let me know.

Back to this.

I hate not being able to sleep. Hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it.


I miss my Seroquel.

I'm not so good at this diet thing

I just ate a whole pint of chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup. I blame it on pms and my slightly depressed mood.

I've been more self-destructive than usual today i.e. taking handfuls of ibuprofin, fixating on thoughts of cutting, and as stated above, binging on crap. Stewarts has buy one get one free boxes of chocolate chip cookies right now, so it looks as if my downward spiral will continue.

As of tomorrow night I will be out of Seroquel, which won't be as bad as when I run out of Cymbalta in a week or so.


So now I find denial in my eyes
I'm mesmerized
by the picture that's in my mind

Sometimes I can't explain

And I'm so sorry that I can't

It aint hard to see

Who you are underneath
I'm still in love with who I wish you were...

Too many times I have wondered...

What all the trying is for
You come around
I feel so down
I want to drown
Cause I know
that you're
falling
short.

Today is probably the worst day depression-wise that I've had in a few weeks. It's not horrible, just not good.


I don't really know what else to say.