So yeah.

I spent 12/17 to 12/26 at a psych hospital in Saratoga cuz I kept having panic attacks and couldn't get out of bed. It was actually an awesome experience and I'm really glad I went. I'm not even that sad that I had to spend Christmas there. Now I'm doing an outpatient program there every day from 9 to 4.

Oh, and I don't have a job anymore. Or any money. Or any possibilities of a job or money.

Sweet.

My cat ate my motivation.

I need to find a job.
I need to eat better.
I need to clean my apartment.
I need to save money.
I need to finish my progress notes for work.
I need to get some exercise.

Unfortunately, I don't feel like doing ANYTHING. EVER.

Schnowww

It snowed like a million feet today. Seriously. So naturally, I brought a snowball into my apartment and threw it at my kitties. Bella freaked out, hid, and then ate it, and Sera just seemed kinda confused. And then ate it.

Ahhh I love my babies.

I'm sick.

I hate being sick.

But I do like taking tons of nyquil and passing out for hours on end.

Plus I've taken so many sick days from work that I think they would fire me if I wasn't leaving already. Ah well.

GAHHH

I handed in my resignation today, effective 1/4/08. I think this is for the best, but it hasn't really sunk in yet. Right now I really need to work on finding another job.

I can't take this anymore.

Life sucks right now. Like a lot.

On Thursday I had another meltdown at work and ended up having a meeting with my executive director (EDIT). She sent me home for the rest of the day and told me to take Friday off also, and spend the weekend taking care of myself and thinking about where I want to go from here (aka if I feel I am capable of continuing my job). We are meeting first thing on Monday morning to discuss what we're going to do.

I've been thinking a lot about it, and I'm really at a loss. For the most part, I love my job. I care about my clients, I love the agency I work for, and I have met some incredible people. On the other hand, I am extremely overwhelmed by my caseload and my responsibilities, I have a lot of problems with my supervisor, and my mental breakdowns are becoming a weekly occurrence.

But even if I decided that resigning was the best thing to do, I can't exactly just leave my job with nothing else lined up. Right now, my lousy little income is the only income we've got. Take that away, and me, Ryan, and our poor kittens will be homeless and starving within a week.

But if I start looking for another job, do I look for something similar to what I'm doing now? Or will that just eventually lead me back to the same place I am now?

So yeah, this is the circle my mind has been traveling in all weekend, and I'm no closer to coming up with the answers than I was 2 days ago.

I was really looking forward to my parents coming this weekend A) because I haven't seen them in over 5 months, B) because I was planning to talk to them about the above issues and see if they have any insights, and C) because they were going to take Ryan and I grocery shopping.

Of course, I forgot that my parents are about as dependable as a soggy carrot, and alas they did not come (AGAIN) due to the "weather" (aka the quarter inch of snow we got).

Sigh.

I'm depressed. Very very much so. I have no clue what to do about my job, my parents just keep on disappointing me, and as always I am completely broke. Happy f-ing hollidays.

Help?

Screw work.

I have spent the past 3 days in my bed watching old episodes of The Office on Ryan's computer. And I've decided that's all I really want out of life.

Wahoo 4 day break!

This week started out disastrously. Since then it has gotten quite a bit better. Thank God.

PS. Happy Thanksgiving.

Why do I screw everything up?

So i fucked up pretty bad and now I'm paying for it. It's been a really really sucky week, and basically I'm overwhelmed right now with feelings of guilt, anger, depression, and humiliation. What's worse is that I have disappointed people who have been very good to me, and now I'm not sure if we can ever go back to the way things were.

Tomorrow I start back with therapy, almost exactly a year to the day after I stopped going. Hopefully it will help and I can get back on track.

I'm just so tired of everything.

I've been avoiding this for a while...

So today I had a meeting with my supervisor and my program director. Basically I just sat there crying hysterically while they discussed whether or not I am capable of doing my job. I'm not really sure what decisions we came to, but I'm pretty sure they now think I'm completely psychotic. If you ever want to make your superiors really uncomfortable, I suggest sobbing uncontrollably in front of them. So yeah, I don't know where we go from here, but I'm sure there will be more "discussions" next week.

In other news, my grandpa has been in the hospital for the past week because part of his heart had stopped functioning. He had triple bypass surgery on Wednesday and is doing really well. The doctors say he's the strongest 81 year old they've seen. I'm so glad he's doing better, my grandpa is the coolest guy ever.

Needless to say, this week has sucked. Luckily tomorrow I am meeting Kristy in Newburgh. See, it's halfway between Albany and Scranton, just an hour and a half drive for each of us. So we agreed to meet there and spend the day together. I am super excited.

For right now though, I'm going to curl up in a ball with my kitties and hide from the world. Things have to get better eventually right?

Kitten soup

I've got to get out of this rut.


PS: Humiliation = having to ask your boss for a food card so that you don't die of starvation over the next several days.

Gender issues

So...turns out my little baby girls are actually little baby BOYS. That's right, the vet informed Ryan and I that we are the proud parents of male kittens, instead of the little females we thought they were. Now this isn't exactly a huge deal, except for the fact that the names Bella and Sera do not quite exude masculinity. Unfortunately, they already know and respond to these names, and we are quite attached to them as well. So, do we change their names and confuse them, or keep their names and confuse everyone else? Thoughts? Suggestions? Anyone?

Vita-what?

A few things:

1) The "issue" from my last post has more or less worked itself out. Hopefully more rather than less.

2) I am pretty sure I'm really bad at my job.

3) Going along with #2, I have my 6 month eval at work on Monday which means I'm working like mad to get my files up to date. And even if I get them done, I'm not expecting much good from it.

4) I love my kittens.

5) I got a job baby-sitting for a family in Guilderland on Tuesday and Thursday nights. Yes, I'm a 14 year old high school girl.

6) I am tired ALL THE TIME. I think I should start taking vitamins.

And I'm thinking to myself...

I gotta make a big decision today
And I hope I choose a better tomorrow
Rather then a better yesterday
Seasons change
And you grow a little older
Nothing stays the same
The past becomes the future
(susie suh)

So, I'm confused about a lot of things right now, things I never thought I'd be confused about. I'm trying to sort it all out in my head, but keeping it inside is really starting to get to me. I don't know who I can talk to about this though, because I feel like no one will understand. I don't even understand.

I'm just kind of lost right now, and coming to some realizations that I never wanted to come to.

I'm just so...conflicted.

Help?

Yes, I am that crazy cat lady all the little kids are afraid of.

So I've come up with a plan for world peace: give everyone in the world a pair of kittens. Seriously, it is just impossible to be angry or violent when you have 2 baby kitties to play with. And if you are angry or violent, all you have to do is look at them cuddled up on a pile of laundry and you'll say "awwww!" and forget all about your problems.

So needless to say, I am very much enjoying my cute baby girls. They are the most adorable things in the history of the world. Ever. For real.












See? That's Bella sitting in Ryan's shoe. Still don't believe me?












That's Sera proving she's a Yankee fan just like her Mommy. Still unsure? Wow, you must be a heartless bitch. Okay, here we go...






















Yep, thought that would do it. They sure do loooove to cuddle :)

So make the world a better place...get a kitten!

My new babies, Bella and Sera:

The sad truth is

I'm wasting my life.

Ain't no reason

Prison walls still standing tall
Some things never change at all
Keep on building prisons, gonna fill them all
Keep building bombs, gonna drop them all
Working young fingers to the bone
Breaking your back, make you sell your soul
Like a lung its filled with cold, suffocating slow
The wind blows wild and I may move
The politicians lie and I am not fooled
You don't need no reason or a three piece suit
To argue the truth
The air on my skin and the world under my toes
Slavery stitched into the fabric of my clothes
Chaos and commotion wherever I go
Love I try to follow...

Love will come set me free.

- Brett Dennen <3



More to come, eventually. But I love this song.

So you know I'm alive...

I want to update but I seem to continually be in a bad mood. I will try to post soon, once my mood improves. FYI- life has been okay lately, I just always seem to be cranky. I think it's my new meds. Peace.

This week will be better.

This week will be better.
This week will be better.
This week will be better.
This week will be better.
This week will be better.
This week will be better.
This week will be better.


This week will be better...I hope!

Burnout: it's the next big thing!

Is it bad that I come home from work every day and cry?

Today I told my boss that when my probation is up next month, I need to take a few days off to get my head together. She said she thought that was a fantastic idea. So apparently it's not just me who thinks I'm going crazy.

There is just so much (too much) weighing on me right now.



PS: Kristy, I love you, your family is in my prayers.
Faith, I love you, and I'm here for you always.


Sometimes life's not fair.

Sometimes a meltdown is just what you need

Last week was rough at work. Probably my worst week at CMS so far. I just felt frustrated every day and ended the week with about 4 clients mad at me. I know that it's part of the job and I shouldn't take it personally, but I can't help it, I'm a very sensitive person.

All week the pressure kept building up but I just kept pushing it down. On Friday (which as I posted earlier was the anniversary of my uncle's death) I was very emotional and stressed out. After I came home Friday night, everything kind of came to a head and I lost it. I mean, complete meltdown.

Luckily, I have an awesome boyfriend who just held me and let me cry. I cried in a way I haven't in months. The can't catch my breath, out of control, heaving sobs kind of way. And I felt so much better afterwards. It was so liberating to finally let go of all that stuff I was holding inside.

Hopefully this week will be better. I'm trying to go into it with a good attitude, and I'm determined to be productive and energetic. We'll see.

When does it stop hurting?

One year ago today the world lost an amazing man and I lost my beloved uncle...


Rest in peace James Harold Pitts Jr.


I still miss you everyday

Ian-credible

I don't really feel like updating but I'm bored and have nothing else to do, so....

Ryan and I went to LI this weekend. My sister's house is cool, and it was good to see the kitties. However, as I've stated before, I'm not really a fan of my brother-in-law so that kinda sucked. He and my sister fought pretty much the entire time, making it rather uncomfortable for Ryan and myself. I have been through this many many many times before, but poor Ryan didn't know what he was getting himself into. I'll have to try to avoid putting him into situations like that in the future.

But anyway, we went to a Yankee game on Saturday which was awesome. The weather was perfect, sunny but not too hot. They won, and A-Rod hit a homerun, and some rookie pitched his first major league game and did a kick-ass job, and Mo came in to close it. Pretty much the perfect game for me, only thing that could have made it better is if Joba had pitched.

After the game we went to Central Park and walked around for a bit. My sister and bother-in-law were fighting so bad by that time that they decided to go home and leave me and Ryan to explore the city ourselves, which was FINE by us.

Ryan and I had fun I guess...if you call going in circles on the subway fun :P

I gave him a tour of Huntington on Sunday which bored him out of his mind, but was fun for me to see my old hang-outs. (Thank you for indulging me baby)

Monday we had lunch with Lauren and then came back to Albany. All in all not a bad trip, it was good to get away for a few days. Now that I'm back, I'm trying to buckle down at work and get myself caught up in time for my evaluation next month. I've also decided that I want to lose 10 pounds by October, so wish me luck on that.

That's all for now, although I feel like I'm forgetting something really important. Oh well. Peace.

Moose shit

So it's not exactly a secret that I'm a Yankee fan.

Okay, more like a Yankee-obsessed, live and die by this team, BLEED PINSTRIPES, hardcore maniac.

But anyway... please bear with me while I vent about something. Mike Mussina is a worthless jackass. I have never been a fan of his, even when he was an "amazing" pitcher. Basically, I feel that despite his so called great numbers, he has never come through when the Yanks really need him to. And his latest string of bad outings just proves to me that he is a washed-up, no talent, whiny dickhead. He is scheduled to start the game I'm going to on Saturday, and if he actually does get the chance to start, and sucks as bad as he did tonight, I am going to run on the field, rip his testicles off, and shove them down his throat.

On that note, I'm going to take a shower and go to bed.

Thank you for your time.

Ryan and I are naming our first child McLovin...

This weekend has been pleasantly uninteresting. I had a few drinks on Friday to wind down from a long and rather stressful week, something I haven't done in a while. Then yesterday Ryan and I went to see Superbad at the Madison. I was in the mood for some mindless juvenile laughs and Superbad more than sufficed. I enjoyed winding down with some drinks so much on Friday that I decided to do it again last night. However, I ended up getting a little (lot) more tipsy (plastered) than planned, which was rather enjoyable as well :)

This morning I thankfully woke up without a hangover, however my neck and back are killing me. Not sure why that is, other than the fact that I'm always tense and have bad genes (thanks mom).

Anyway, back to work tomorrow, which is a rather depressing thought. Why do weekends always go by so fast? It's a fact of life I suppose. At least I have something to look forward to: Ryan and I are going to Long Island next weekend to visit my sister, see her new house, and best of all, go to a YANKEE GAME :) I'm so excited, I haven't seen my boys in person in way too long! And Ryan has never been to the city before, so we're going to plan some fun adventures.

That's all for now. Life has been rather boring lately so not much to report. Maybe I should be grateful for that.

M&Ms make the world a happier place

I am feeling muchmuchmuchmuch better today. I woke up not feeling completely drained for once (yay!) and actually got a ton of stuff done at work today, so I don't feel quite so overwhelmed anymore (double yay!).

On an unrelated note, the top button of my shirt wouldn't stay buttoned today, and eventually I gave up trying to keep it closed, so I probably ended up flashing half of Albany. Eh well.

Tomorrow is Friday, and I'm ecstatic.

Ohhh the blahness

This week makes my head hurt. I'm too tired to even think about it. I don't want to be this exhausted/cranky/stressed all the time anymore. Please?

The perfect night:

Working on my 1000 piece puzzle on the floor while singing along to my ipod at the top of my lungs. Add some burning incense and Ryan and it was pretty much the bestest Sunday night everrr.

Goodnight :)

Flippity flop

I spend a considerable amount of time looking for my flip flops.



And they're usually in the same place every time.

Money vs. Sanity

I am considering going back to work part-time at Borders. I don't actually have the energy/desire/time for another job, but I'm just so tired of being broke all the time.

Thoughts?

I am in need of a large alcoholic drink and some time off from work

The first is somewhat possible, at least later this week when I have money. The latter, not so much. I am still on my probationary period at work which means no time off til October. Assholes.

I am also in need of sleep, but my body seems to think otherwise. Every night I fall into bed, completely exhausted, and lay awake for hours and hours cursing the insomnia gods. It's really starting to affect my functioning too. I have been walking into walls even more than usual lately. Stupid walls.

So to add to my pathetic-ness (is that a word?), last night I ate a spoonful of jelly for dinner. No joke. Jelly. Now I love jelly and all, but this whole no food/no money thing is getting old. Luckily I was able to steal some pizza from work today so Ryan and I can actually eat a real(ish) dinner tonight.

Moral of the story: Being poor sucks. Insomnia sucks. Six months with no time off from work sucks. Walls suck.

I'm going to curl up in a ball.

Catch some rain

Recently I have posted a poem or two at catchingrain.com.

Check it out, it's a pretty cool site for creative writing. I'm not telling what my pen name is, but if you guess I'll tell you if you're right :P

Summertime blues

I want to go somewhere.
I want to do something.
I am so sick of being poor.
I am so sick of sitting around doing nothing.

I want to go camping in the woods with nothing but a sleeping bag and Ryan.
I want to stay in a fancy hotel and order obscene amounts of room service and champagne.
I want to take Ryan on his first trip to NYC and see a Broadway show and a Yankee game.
I want to lay on a beach with a brightly colored girly drink.
I want to go to Saratoga and spend the whole day shopping.
I want to dance in the rain, somewhere other than Albany.
I want to go to Long Island and get insanely drunk with my friends.


I am RESTLESS and BORED and desperately in need of some MINDLESS RIDICULOUS CAREFREE FUN.

Ingenious

I've come up with a plan to both lose weight and save money: I'm going to stop eating. Completely.

Good plan eh?

It's been...20 minutes...and so far, so good.

Check back later.

:P

I'm tired.

And not in the 'I went to bed late and got up early' way. It's the kind of exhaustion that sets deep in your bones and makes every day a continual effort.

Weariness consumes me, and my frustration with my job is not helping. There is no particular reason for this frustration, other than the usual demand of a full caseload and the inconsistency of clients. I think I'm just starting to feel the effects of having 12 people relying on me to solve their problems, expecting me to fix every crisis, needing me to be their constant savior, punching bag, hand-holder, slave, etc.

I need a vacation, but that won't be happening any time soon.

I think my biggest fear is that the monster that chased me for so long, and finally caught me last year, is coming for me again. It took every ounce of strength I had to get rid of it the first time, and I don't know if I have any strength left to go through it again.

Sigh.

So bring on the insomnia and the chronic tension headaches. Bring on the never-ending line of needy clients and the countless mind-numbing meetings/trainings. I'll continue to get up every day and endure it all, because what choice do I have? And maybe one day soon I'll wake up feeling refreshed and energized, looking forward to the day ahead. Stranger things have happened.

Be the change you wish to see in the world...

What is Love?

Children can answer better than most adults when it comes to love.
The question was "What is love" ?

The answers they gave were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy- age 7

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."
Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped him cry"

suicidal mickey

...disturbing


(especially for a former disney store employee)

Dear God,

(click on the picture to read)

I like this quote:

"Comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable."

-Finley Peter Dunne



Such is the job of a social worker....

I'm reflective when I'm sick.....apparently

I'm feeling profound right now but I don't actually have anything profound to say.

I've been thinking today, which usually gets me into trouble. As "certain people" used to say: "Rachel, you live in your head, and it is way too analytical in there. You need to live out here with the rest of us and just be happy." And while I don't pay much heed (anymore) to what "certain people" used to say about me, this is one thing they may have been right about.

One thing that has always bothered me about myself is that I tend to always be thinking about the future...where I'll be, what I'll be doing, etc. I wish I could just focus on the here and now, and be happy with what I have and where I am at this moment. As the saying goes, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." I have a pretty good little life. I wish I could sit back and enjoy it instead of constantly thinking about what comes next. Perhaps this shall be a new goal of mine. Live in the moment. Cliche sure, but also maybe a pretty good philosophy. Who knows where I'll be in 5 years, or even 2 for that matter. Two years ago I never would have thought I'd be where I am right now. So why spend so much time trying to plot out the future, when the beauty of the future is that it is unknown?

So slow down, Rachel.
Take your time.
Enjoy your friends; indulge in the experience of being in love; listen to those around you and learn from them; don't worry about the future...

If the past year has taught me anything it's that things work out in the end, although not always how you thought. So go with the flow and enjoy the ride.


Disclaimer: I currently have massive amounts of Nyquil and Ibuprofin in my bloodstream. Therefore the above is pretty much an accumulation of my drug-induced, incoherent thoughts. Any lucid or intelligent comments are purely accidental.

Perhaps I should have put the disclaimer first.

Jackass-in-law

So I just got off the phone with my sister and now I have to vent...

Why would someone stay married to a man who makes them miserable, who constantly puts them down, who disrespects them, who abuses them, who makes them cry every single fucking day???

Why would someone stay married to a man who forces them to give up a child they really wanted to keep???

Why would someone stay married to a man who calls them useless and then tries to rape them???

How little self-esteem must you have to stay with this man???

Skinny-mini no more

I need to get in shape.

I've always been the skinny girl who could eat anything and everything and stay 95 pounds. But now I'm starting to put on some weight in my tummy area and I'm getting a bit self-conscious about it. I've never had to worry about eating junk food before, in fact junk food makes up most of my daily diet and always has. It's never been a problem before. But I guess I'm not a teenager anymore.

But it's not even the weight that really bothers me. It's how out of shape I am. I can barely go up a flight of stairs without breathing hard when I get to the top. When I was dancing in high school, I would do 200 sit ups 3 times a week with hardly any problem. Now I doubt I could do 20.

When the weather got nice earlier this year, I swore I was going to go walking every weekend and even some weeknights after work. But I'm always so tired and unmotivated on the weekends, it never gets done.

And my diet is horrendous. I eat some sort of fast food every day, sometimes twice a day. But what can I do? It's cheap and fast and I can go through the drive thru between home visits without having to take too much time.....

.....and I'm gonna die of a heart attack by the time I'm 30.

The sad fact is, I don't know how to diet or exercise. I never had to before. And people laugh at me or roll their eyes when I bring up my "weight problem." But I just want to keep it from becoming a problem. And I want to stop my arteries from getting completely blocked from the McGrossness I eat every day.

So...if anyone has any advice on how to live a busy (and poor!) life but still stay somewhat healthy...please give me some helpful tips.

I would like to live a little bit past 30.

Oh how I've grown...

Today was a good day. I actually got a lot done at work, although I still feel kinda behind. Oh well, I'll catch up eventually.

So on my way to a home visit, I heard this song that about a year ago had the power to make me fall on the floor in tears. I associated it with a person who I cared deeply about, and who cut me out of his life like I was nothing. Anyway, I haven't heard this song in a while, and so I listened to it all the way through...and I felt nothing. It was the most liberating experience I've had in a while, to know that I am finally f r e e. He has no power over me anymore. And it's just a song again.

Top 10 reasons to date a social worker:

1. We do it from a "strengths" perspective
2. We do it with individuals, groups and families
3. We do it in the field
4. People of all ages want to utilize our "services"
5. We keep a detailed, well written account of each client we "serve"
6. We are an equal opportunity "service provider"
7. We have very flexible schedules
8. With our professional training, we are able to fill "multiple positions"
9. We are also able to multi task, serving multiple clients in a single day
10. Social workers often work "after hours" for one on one "assistance"

I am blessed

So I love my job. Not only because of my clients but because of the agency I work for. I have never before had a job that values its employees as much as CMS does. And just to prove it, today along with my regular paycheck, I got an additional bonus check for several hundred dollars, just because CMS had a surplus and wanted to give it to its employees.

.....Seriously??? How awesome is that?!


I <3 CMS and I am so grateful for all the good things in my life.

A new beginning

It's been a while since I've done this. Almost exactly a year in fact. But recently I've realized how much I miss having somewhere to rant, celebrate, blabber, and just...think. I knew I couldn't go back to my old blog. I'm a completely different person than I was then. New life, new attitude, therefore: new blog.

So...here goes. Currently, I am a 23 year old social worker, I live with my boyfriend, we have no money, but we are damn happy. One year ago I was in the midst of a major depressive episode and never thought that I would ever be as content as I am right now. Not to say that life is perfect, it definitely isn't and believe me, I will spend a lot of time complaining about things. But I think back to last summer when I couldn't even get out of bed, and it's amazing to see how far I have come.

I have a job that I love and that challenges me every day. I work with families at risk of having their children put in foster care, or who already have children in foster care, and help them minimize their risk factors so that the family can be/stay united. Some days it breaks my heart, but I've never felt more fulfilled.

My boyfriend is the best thing that has ever happened to me. After years of being used, abused, and discarded by men, I finally found someone who loves and respects me, and tells me so every day. I have never felt beautiful in my life until I met him, but the way he looks at me makes me believe I am beautiful.

I lost almost all of my "friends" last year, and now have a very hard time letting people get close to me. But recently I've made a few friends who have managed to break down that wall. It's so nice to have people in my life who don't judge me or tell me I'm a liar and a victim.

So that's where things stand right now. I'm definitely not the most interesting person in the world, but I enjoy my simple little life, and I am so happy to be free of the pain and self-doubt that held me back for so long.

More rambling to come. Peace.